My First Time

In my last post, I mentioned that I was taking a 2-3 week break from blogging due to my exams. What you don’t know is that I’m just a lazy human being who took the first excuse available to stop working. As expected, the three weeks stretched into four and then five and now, I’ve lost track because I can’t seem to figure out how the calendar on this phone works.

Where is the calendar gangan abeg?!

However, in that “short” period of time that I was gone, a taxi driver got famous for laughing and speaking bad English, a yahoo boy got arrested and “mysteriously” released after being found guilty of about ten crimes or so, a song promoting masturbation was released and it went viral, a gorilla swallowed a couple million nairas, a senator forgot the meaning of human rights and half the country got raped.

Nigeria, I hail thee!

Anyway, I’m sure you already know all or most of the details of these events that have been ramming Nigeria continuously considering that you’ve been pressing your phone instead of reading your books. I wouldn’t want to bore you with all their stories again but what I’m sure you don’t know is how I missed my exam for the very first time in my life and it happened in the university. How awesome!

So, contrary to whatever it is your 21st century mind (*coughs* dirty mind *coughs*) was thinking, this article is not about the first time I kissed a girl or the first time I had sex. Naa fam. It’s about the first time… I’m not really going to mention this again, am I?

It was a dark and stormy night. Everything was cool and the weather was perfect. I was in my room, minding my own business, stalking cute girls on Instagram and lying to myself that I was reading for my exams when I realised that I actually did not know the time for the exam. I decided in a split second to minimize the Instagram app and go to WhatsApp to ask in my departmental group-chat. So, I did. Ever been in a situation where you want to do something and as soon as you get to your destination, you forget everything completely? Well, that was me and that was how I spent the following thirty minutes of my life viewing WhatsApp stories instead.

I swear, I’m actually a very serious minded person.

Somehow, I remembered and I asked what time the exam would be and someone replied 12pm. I waited and a few seconds and someone else replied 12pm again. So, I exited WhatsApp and continued “reading”. Keep in mind that the exam was the following week. The day before the exam, keeping the time given to me in mind, I read as much as I could. For real this time. I studied as many materials as I could find on the course and stuck to my course outline so that I won’t just be reading wide but smart as well.

Exactly how I felt after reading everything

I slept and woke up the next day feeling refreshed and just for the sake of it, I decided to revise again. A few minutes before twelve, I got out of the house with my pen and exam pass in hand and was on my way to school. I even stopped to buy #20 groundnut on the way because… well, why the hell not?

I got to my department a few minutes past twelve but I wasn’t worried because I knew the students would still be getting checked in and I could just join the queue. (See, my department is clear evidence of the need to start family planning to avoid overpopulation.) The first two people I met at the gate were girls and they were talking excitedly. I just thought it was the usual female banter so, I just adjusted my walk and continued going while keeping my sexy face on.

It looked a exactly like this, argue with your ancestors.

I was walking past them when they teased me and said that I must’ve killed the paper. Words and pictures cannot even begin to describe how quickly my legs stopped working when I heard that sentence. Which paper again were they talking about nitori Olorun (for God’s sake)? Our previous paper was about three or four days ago so I stopped and asked them what they meant while still keeping my sexy face on. To be honest, I didn’t really have to try to keep it on, it’s kind of always there.

They replied and told me the exam started three hours ago. Goodness knows I blew through all the stages of grief in less than five seconds. Without thinking twice, I took out my earphones and phone from my ears and pocket respectively and just dropped it in one of their palms. One of the girls was still asking me if I was joking as I was running away.

What I’d have gone back to do if only I had time

I got to the exam hall and true true they had finished. I don’t want to exaggerate but my heart leapt out through my mouth and ran away screaming for help while every other organ collapsed except for my skin because never in history have I had imperfect skin. I just don’t want to exaggerate sha. There were two lecturers taking the course and I went to meet the first of them. To avoid using cuss words because of how angry the man made me, I wouldn’t dwell much on it. Simply put, he rejected me. (God give me self-control so I won’t type what somebody shouldn’t say). Even after I explained that I was misinformed and these three fine girls helped me beg him, he was still shouting at me to get out.

Just when I was about to accept my fate, someone suggested I go to the other lecturer. After teasing me a bit and having a few laughs with the student assistant that was with him, he allowed me to write the paper. I have never written so fast and hard in my entire life. I don’t want to exaggerate again but I think my writing fingers are about 70% more muscular than the rest of my body now because of all that exercise.


I've done enough begging to last a lifetime as you can see. Just subscribe ehn?

Conclusion

I guess the moral of the story is that you should learn how to kiss ass appropriately in case you ever get into trouble because that’s all I did that day. My voice got higher pitched and I have never said so many thank you’s and please’s in the space of thirty seconds before.

Also (and this should’ve probably been the first), even if your department releases three different timetables like mine did and confuses you, please, biko, mbok, quadruple check when you have exams. Heart attack isn’t a nice thing at all.

I feel I shouldn’t have to ask you this again but…

  • Did you enjoy my story? Or you think I’m too narcissistic in which case, I agree with you as far as I can throw a tractor.
  • Did you miss Irewole’s Blog?
  • What’s the biggest mistake you’ve made in the university so far?
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Ozemoka Halima
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Ozemoka Halima

I enjoyed the story😩😂😂
I’m sure you’ve learned your lesson

Akachi
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Akachi

Weeeelllcccooommmeee💃💃 you were indeed missed. I remember coming here to check, not seeing any posts (being like “this guy really did it” in my head) and leaving sadly. sigh. Yes, I feel your pain o, with all these exams information is importanter. Me that before I used to be like “God forbid I don’t beg people, like why will I beg?” Now, I’ll beg them, their friends and their wives if need be o. That’s how mans was supposed to get one identification stuff like this for tests, I got to the place late so I just photocopied somebody’s own..… Read more »

Nita
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Nita

I don’t want to even experience this 😂😂💔
Crazy shit

Angelica
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Angelica

I can’t help but laugh 😂 😂

RestingBitchFace
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RestingBitchFace

Lol, this is one of those stories that are life threatening in the moment and funny weeks later. I missed your writing.

Welcome back.

Bloodline(my nigga)
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Bloodline(my nigga)

Haq haq haq😂😂😂
God saved you

Michael
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Michael

Mehn shebi it is kuku unilag A similar thing happened to me oh It was a 1 unit course and it was so short that we only had two materials for the whole course so the break down is this (I think 😪) Assignment 30 marks Attendance 10 marks Exam 60 marks (NOTE : this was a departmental course so you would think they want their students to pass 😂😂 but you don know, you don’t know what e is going on Also note : I was the course rep for that course And unlike you me I didn’t read… Read more »

Angie Baby
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Angie Baby

Welcome back!!!
I missed this. A lot.
Reading what happened before the incident makes it ten times funnier 😂
We thank God for ass kissing and understanding lecturers
Ps: I’ve been arguing with my ancestors and I’m pretty sure your sexy face was wayyy better than Trevor Jackson’s. 😅😅

The Skinny Ninja
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The Skinny Ninja

And yuz, I missed you but you already know that

The Skinny Ninja
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The Skinny Ninja

I was fokn scared that day mehn 😂

Lola
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Lola

It is sooo not funny.. Lmao. We missed you Irewole, kizzenz.. Muah!

Ayanpella
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Ayanpella

I’m so glad you’re back😭😭
And yes, I remember this day vividly in my head😂😂😂💟

Isabel
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Isabel

I’m so glad I can’t relate😂

But I didn’t answer question 1 in radio and TV which is a 3-unit course, and the question was compulsory. I found out after I had submitted😭😭😭😭

The Skinny Ninja
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The Skinny Ninja

Chei 😂😂😂💔

Prof
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Prof

I’m literally crying right now 😂😂😂😂. Your use of words ehn

Queeneth
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Queeneth

Haha…It’s funny and not funny at the same time. I can totally relate.

Queeneth
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Queeneth

Btw, I missed you😭😭

Brownie_vocal
Guest

This idiot😂😂💔 I’ve missed this

A girl has no name
Guest

Haq haq haq you donno waiz going on. This your story is so hilarious… I could even picture you begging 😂😂😂 I shouldn’t be laughing but it is just so funny. You were even feeling fresh 😂😂😂 local man did not know what is going on. 😂😂😂 I always check and check, double check, triple check exam timetable because local girl cannot beg all these lecturers with no joy. Glad you were able to do it sha.

A girl has no name
Guest

Haq haq haq you donno waiz going on. I should not be laughing at your expense though but this is just so funny but it’s not funny at the same time. I can’t imagine missing any exam…chaii heart attack 😂😂and you were still feeling fresh😂 I always check and check and check the timetable. Local girl cannot come and go and be begging these lecturers with no joy. Glad you were able to do it sha