I promise you that it is not what it looks like. I was dusting off cobwebs from this blog and some of it got to me. I feel like I should start by apologizing for going away for so long but goodness knows my lazy ass will probably do it again. Weirdest part about this is I’m not even doing it out of laziness. Well, sure, I procrastinated so much that I started growing strands of beard in the process. However, the true reason I couldn’t write was because…
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, perhaps a welcome back is in order. For some reason, I feel like one of those deadbeat dads that only shows up when something important is happening. You know, like their kids’ graduation or wedding or loss of virginity.
I guess the important thing that’s happening now is what we’re all thinking about. Yes, the fact that they’ve released another season of Money Heist. Sure, there’s Coronavirus too but when you really think about it, what truly matters in life? A disease that’s becoming a major threat to humanity’s existence or a lit ass movie?
Now, concerning the COVID-19 disease, very few things in life really piss me off. Apart from occasionally not wanting to talk to anyone and spending 20 out of 24 hours in a day alone in my room, I’m actually very lovable and social. However, there are some things that do tick me off. The first that comes to mind is the knowledge that there are people in this world who actually do things like kissing, fornicating and even holding hands. To be very honest, I think being horny should be illegalized. However, that aside, another thing that puts me the heck off is seeing people being idiots.
Now, the COVID-19 disease has been really messing with people. Cases have hit one million already and people are dying faster than all your past relationships combined. As if that’s not sad enough, there are now humans that will go online, compose some poorly written nonsense and start sharing it to people.
This is just one of the things that people do now. Under normal circumstances, I’d keep quiet and keep streaming the kind of movies your parents say is bad for you. However, as a proper friend/brother/gee/boyfriend, I really can’t just do that.
As such, I wrote down a few ways you can avoid idiocy in these trying times. You really don’t need to thank me though. If I don’t do it, no one really gives a shit. What better motivation is there than that? Now, without further ado,
1. Stop sharing dumb stuff
“Dumb stuff” is anything and everything from fake information to those jokes you think are funny but really just sound like a crackhead halfway between being sober and needing therapy. People are already under enough duress. Apart from the coronavirus disease, there are those that are 18+ and cannot grow any taller than they currently are.
Do you really want to add to their burden? Put yourself in their shoes. You might think it’s useful but to be honest, it’s only about as much help as a G-string is to curing cancer. Unless you’re sure your information is correct and you got it from a good source, don’t share it. Ko necesstry.
2. Stop eating all the darn food!
President Muhammadu Buhari announced a lockdown of Lagos, Abuja, and Ogun state when he addressed the country on Sunday. Your parents struggled through the overcrowded market, risked their lives and spent their money to put enough food in the house for you during the lockdown.
However, here you are. A savage, classy, bougee, nasty queen/king sneaking into the kitchen at 1:30am to cut bread while everyone is asleep.
It might seem like a joke now but you really don’t want to be in that situation where you don’t have food and you can’t get. Stop eating everything in sight dear. You’re not a black hole. Some parts of you are but they even hardly take in anything. However, if you do wish to continue, always remember your clown outfit.
3. Get off your lazy butt and stop being unproductive!
Now, you’re probably thinking “ahnahn, Irewole is lazy too nau. Why should he be talking to me?” Well, I have a blog and I control what I write nigger! Live long and suck it.
On a more serious note, though, if you’ve gotten to 300L in your university education like I have, you must have started realizing that this life really isn’t a cup of tea anymore. I, for one, was at that point in the semester where everything was about to come crashing down, like my hopes of growing a full beard before 18. Suddenly, the whole world froze. ASUU struck more your village people all the times you stole meat and forgot to erase evidence and COVID-19 became more than just a distant nightmare.
Believe me when I say that till you die, you will have very little other opportunities like this where you’re free to work on yourself. With everyone being forced to work from home, people are seeing more and more that you can actually provide value without going to the office.
You’ll graduate soon. Apart from your soft bumbum and six pack, what else do you have to offer? Now’s the best time to read that book, take that course, practice that soft skill, build that CGPA. Whatever you do, don’t just sit there being a clown.
I could’ve sworn that I wanted to write more. Nevertheless, a word, they say, is enough for the wise. Stay safe, stay home, stay celibate, stay “unpregnant” and stay smart.
This is tradition now and I gotta ask…
- Do you have COVID-19?
- Did you miss me?
- Did you enjoy this article?
- What are you doing with your COVID-19 break?
- Why aren’t you reading your school books for goodness sake Musa?!